You Asked, We Answered: Grief and Loss Q&A (Part Two) 

Being There for Those Who Are Grieving

By Dr. Kayleigh-Ann Clegg, Clinical Psychologist

Every year, CloudMD offers monthly Ask an Expert webinars to its clients. I was fortunate to be able to present one of those webinars focused on grief and loss – what the grieving process can look like, how to move through it in healthy ways, how to manage the responsibilities that don’t seem to stop when it feels like your life has, and how to know when you might need more support. We received a lot of important questions, and in the spirit of helping to build awareness around grief and helping each other feel a little less alone I’ve compiled some questions I wasn’t able to answer during the webinar. You can find part one, which focused on questions people asked about their own experiences with grief, here. This next part focuses on some questions people asked about being there for others who are grieving.

As always, please note that this is general information based on my clinical experience and my reading of current research and does not substitute more personalized information specific to your situation.

How can you support someone when they’re crying?

I’m so glad someone asked this question because we don’t always know what to do when someone expresses their pain, especially when they cry. The specific ways you might support someone who’s crying will differ depending on the context, like how close you are to them and what they tend to need when they’re upset. (When in doubt, ask them!) But my general go-to recipe is this: if someone is crying, be there and let them, meaning validate how they’re feeling, try not to rush to “fix” it, and sit with them (physically or figuratively) as they cry. That might look like saying, “I’m here,” instead of, “Don’t cry,” or, “That makes sense,” instead of, “Don’t worry, you’re going to be fine.”

How can you support a family member who’s grieving when you are trying to manage your own grief?

There are three broad things I think are helpful to remember when you’re supporting someone grieving while trying to manage your own grief. First and foremost, know and honour your limits. Sharing the burden of grief with others can help ease it, but there are going to be points in your grieving process where you need time, space, and support for yourself. On a hard day where you know you’re not in a place to show up for someone else, give yourself permission to take the day off and communicate it to them (e.g., “I’m having a heavy day; can I come by or call tomorrow?”). This – prioritizing your well-being – will enable you to be there more sustainably and will also remind them that they can take space for themselves when they need it.

Second, remember that grief doesn’t have to be fixed, cured, or solved; it needs to be witnessed and moved through. It can be really hard to see someone you care about in pain, but putting pressure on yourself to reduce that pain doesn’t help. Remember that the pain they are feeling – like the pain you are feeling – is natural and a part of the process and that you’re doing something just by being there with them.

Finally, remember you can support someone in many different ways, and you can calibrate the type of support you offer them to the physical and emotional resources you have available. For example, on a high-resource day, you might support them by actively talking through what they’re feeling with them or holding their hand while they cry. On a medium-resource day, you might support them by going grocery shopping with them or making them a meal to take a task off their plate. On a low-resource day, you might support them by doing an activity where you’re together but don’t have to talk (e.g., a movie) or by sending a text like, “I’m really going through it today, but I’m thinking of you and sending you love.” Be flexible and give grace to yourself and to them.

How can you support someone who’s grieving but doesn’t seem to want help?

This is tricky. There are some parts of grief that are kind of unavoidably lonely, and it’s natural for people to sometimes want and need time and space to themselves. At the same time, support is critical for navigating grief. In this case, I would suggest you do your best to balance offering and giving support with respecting their limits and boundaries. Try to go at their pace and meet them where they’re at. Let them know that you are there and willing to try and give them any support they need, whether that’s a quiet, listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a distraction buddy, or a hand to help with practical, day-to-day tasks like meals, school pick-ups, and groceries. When offering that support, try to be specific rather than vague. For example, instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do”, try things like, “I’m making lasagna tonight; can I drop some by around 6 pm?” or, “I’d love to hear about them/to listen if you want to share,” or, “I’m running errands on Saturday morning; do you want to join me?” At the same time, be mindful not to force support on them and remember that simply knowing you’re there can be its own kind of equally meaningful support. For example, sometimes what I have found useful with someone who doesn’t seem to want help is to simply message every week or so to let them know you’re thinking of them, that you aren’t expecting any sort of immediate reply, and that you’re there if they need you.

How can you navigate grief with kids?

This is a big question. Full disclosure – grief can look different for kids and adolescents, and my experience is primarily in working with adults. I would very strongly recommend consulting KidsGrief.ca, which gives up-to-date recommendations and suggestions for recognizing and talking to kids about grief for both parents and educators.

What I have found from working with grieving parents and with adults who experienced loss as children is that there are a few important things to keep in mind when navigating grief with kids. First, try to maintain some consistency. Loss tends to turn everything upside down emotionally, and adding further disrupted routines or more unpredictability in daily life at the same time can be overwhelming for kids (and adults, actually). Try to stick to a flexible but consistent routine (e.g., keeping bedtimes, mealtimes, usual habits, etc.) to help keep some sense of stability and normalcy.

Next, try to make sure that your kids feel safe. Grief can throw a lot of things into question, and, especially for younger kids, it’s important to communicate that they are safe, that you are going to be okay, and that you’re going to get through it together. It’s important to make sure you’re getting support and taking care of yourself so that you can continue to show up for them in a calm, stable way.

Finally, don’t be afraid to talk about the grief. Check in with your kids and listen to them in a non-judgemental, validating way, remembering that all kinds of emotions are possible and normal when grieving. Help them put words to what they’re feeling when they’re ready to share. Similarly, don’t be afraid to talk about how you’re feeling – it can help normalize what your children might be experiencing and can help them make sense of changes they are likely noticing in you. For example, if you have a hard day and you find yourself crying or lashing out, sit them down and explain what’s happening – that you’re having a hard day and that you’re feeling sad (or whatever you’re feeling) because of who or what you’ve lost. An important note: remember to do this in a safe and age-appropriate way that doesn’t overwhelm your child with fear or a sense of responsibility for making you feel better. For example, reassure them that you can still take care of them and that you have people who are supporting you, and share what you plan on doing to take care of yourself to model a healthy approach to grief. In general, it’s better to talk about grief than not to and to reassure your kids that they aren’t alone.

I hope that this has been helpful to you in being there for the important people in your life, and I encourage you to reach out for further support if you need it.